Sunday, June 13, 2010

how can i explain what i'm feeling right now? a pang of happiness and a rush of guilt. today i went out with a guy for the 2nd time i knew years ago but never really met up before. it felt really great, because he's always making me laugh and telling me very funny stories and he hangs this kind of expression over his face that would make my heart skip a beat. and you see, i'm not supposed to feel this way, but i've rejected his dates so many times until today, because apparently the guy i'm with now don't give a damn... which makes me feel so lonely, for quite so long, even though its less than a week, but the happiness that my boyfriend gives me is once in a blue moon... i know that i've got to see the general picture, the big picture, but today i found someone who actually takes note of the little details.

he googles me and knows my blood type, the things i love, EVERY single thing that i have not told him before.. its a bit of a stalker, yet at the same time a bit sweet because he remembers which floor i stay even though i've told him long ago. in a way, he compliments me so much more than the guy i'm with now, so how can i.. how can i not feel happy? he'd suddenly say that i look so different from my photos, then tell me that i look so much better than real life. yet i'm afraid that this kind of happiness is an expression of being unfaithful to my current boyfriend, do you understand my dilemma now? on the other hand, my boyfriend doesn't give a damn who i go out wtih because he claims that he trusts me, and off he goes to play his own games in his own world leaving me all alone.

so this guy takes me to my favourite hawker centre to eat, and buys me herbal tea when i commented once in the early afternoon saying that i think i'm going to be sick. i can hear that kind of reluctance in his voice when i said i'd want to go home early, and he'd persuade me to stay just a lil' longer, which is something i wish somehow my current boyfriend would do.

then he remembers my birthday, when i thought i meant nothing at all. and i realize that his birthday is actually tomorrow, so that means he'd rather spend his birthday with me rather than anyone else.. because he wanted to ask me out tomorrow again but i rejected. i feel so pathetic right now, because i think i'm not supposed to be happy.

so here i have, a guy who takes notes of every single little details of me, my actions, what i do, and i can feel him looking at me when i'm looking away. and no he don't have this pervy eyes, but that kind of cool fellow who would get rough when his friends are bullied and be gentle when he's around his girlfriend.. a very soothing voice, and very nice shoulders to lie on.

there it goes, the guy i long for whom i try to see the very big picture, the guy which i wonder when he will ever grow up and grow out of playing games... the guy which i wonder if he's ever gonna have bigger dreams instead of thrashing people in games and having such a sadistic nature that he laughs at people when they struggle to 'survive' in the game while he, being the cheat-game master, can lay back on his seat and play God. would he change after national service? because it doesn't happen once, twice. its either games or women that he will find.

so how should i feel now? i really love this feeling of happiness but that kind of guilt makes me sad. it would be hard to say that i still love him very much, cos perhaps i don't anymore.


小兔子