Sunday, May 30, 2010

Yesterday was fantastic. Sometimes I wonder how amazing you can be, the way you make me feel so loved for a day and the next day you throw me aside.

i thought my method really works, like i shouldn't care so much about you and just make my world beautiful. INDEED, you treated me better. but once i came back showing that i love you, it seems to give you that glorious power of doing whatever you want. and i go weak on my knees, i cry and i hurt when you scold me and tell me that i'm wasting your time. baby is your time so precious that you can't spend just a minute with me? :(

when i saw your browser history, all the pretty girls you looked at, my heart feels really hurt. sometimes i wish i was richer so i can be more beautiful, because rich girls always have the kind of money to do treatment for their hair, do facial for their skin, dress up nicely and get braces for their teeth. you know, they can be pretty and all that, but how i desperately wish you can understand that such girls require an extravagant lifestyle. they won't give you that kind of blissfulness that i am confident of giving you. maybe they could give you much more sexual pleasure when you are married, but tell me honey, what is more important - a moment of happiness or a lifetime of love?

so I hate how you always make me cry, even though I'd hold back my tears with all the strength that I can muster. so I hate how my tears will pour like an endless river, and you wouldn't hug me or kiss my forehead and tell me you're sorry, but keep scolding and hurting me till I walk away. and when I walk away, you'd take 10 minutes to run up to me and say you're sorry. what are you thinking during this 10 minutes? am i just your substitute, just a companion?

and baby you know i'm always gonna forgive you. this time i did, but my heart is already much more than fragmented pieces, much more than broken glass. my heart has turned into powder, and i shall feed you with these powder. they will be like those drugs, and they will keep you addicted, because only when I walk away you'd realize how I've helped you colour your life.

what are you thinking? what do you desire? you introduced me to your family, to your cousins and relatives, and your friends. but then you shrug me off aside when they're not around, you tell me i'm ugly, my hair is ugly, i look haggard, i look fat, i waste your time, its tiring to message me, i don't make you feel like a human when you're around me...

i wish i knew what the heck is wrong with me. and i'm trying to convince myself to get out of this mess, to let go that i'm in love with you so that i won't fall into this deep empty hole again. its difficult to pull myself up because there's no root i can hold onto, but i'd try my best because if people who have died can rise from their graves, what would me, a human girl, can do?

小兔子